Another Fall

So things are just different and its so hard to get used to....I sometimes can't accept because I find comfort in things that don't usually change. It may come across as boring but I get a feeling of safety out of it. There are days that I don't know what I do with everything that lingers in my mind I just pray so hard that the consequences for my mistakes don't drag me too low. I do expect for my ridiculous decisions to come back and I hate myself for them, for wanting something to subsidize my numbness that in turn just beats my thoughts like the cramps I get every month. Why do others thing I'm an amazing human being and I dont? Why is that the only way I've known how to do things apparently is the wrong way for everything else...How do I go back now? I just pray its somehow okay ....I would like to think so

Accepting the worst or the Best?

What to say? Well accepting a lot of things that are difficult to accept is probably one of the hardest things to do. I sometimes find myself asking what if? But this is stupid! What if I hadn't thought it, called it, text ed it, seen it? Then what? I am just disappointed in myself right now or not? Why is it that I'm so tough and strong in everything else but not this? Why can I be the bearer of bad news because no one else has the courage to do so but I can't let this go?

I want to think that everything that I somehow find myself regretting right now....this very second...was something that I did want so why am I kicking myself in the ass for it.
Fuck you emotion!!! You always do me dirty! Always hoping for the best and getting a pile of bull shit in return. So a couple of months later...I lack the self-esteem, I made a HUGE ass out of myself and I continue to think of this one individual that said to me that He simply just didn't feel the same as me.

Okay fair enough ...But my internal conflict is not because we can't be together!!! It's because somewhere it felt like my complicated, difficult and loving self felt his love at some point. It was present somehow in the middle of my obnoxious ways of dealing with things...In all the pain that I was inflicting on myself because He said it was just never there...

I got it ! I'm a smart girl I can dig that things don't always last...But why did I feel the need to run to him when I felt the shittiest and in turn I couldn't get him to hold my chin up! He didn't have to but I wish he did! Your family is supposed to be there for you he said....But I'm always with them...I solve their problems...they hold my hand and celebrate my accomplishments  BUT I wanted that different feeling a feeling away from the noise from the crowded space....I think I never knew how to say what I really felt it always came out with thousands of tears and chest pains that didn't let me speak and just filled that moment with anger.

I don't know how to digest it...when did I let it turn so ugly? When did I prefer to feel pain than happiness?
I don't know! I just don't know what it is...Everyday I wake up and think about this and as all the other things in my life take off in a productive way...This remains a bit dark and untouched and still raw.

It began to scab but I picked it like a pimple that is not ready to be popped but I try to pop it anyway and it hurts but I pick at it until its red filled with blood and I have to wait anyways till its time to let it all out!